No Longer the Excuse Maker

I thought just maybe he was the truth. Just maybe his 'sincerity' was so real. Or just maybe I wanted to love the way he made me feel. But no one wants to be miserable in any relationship, so I finally figured it out. He isn't the truth, he never was as sincere as he says and his definition of love equals pain.

It's such ashamed that I had became an excuse maker for a man whom I thought was a billion times more mature than when we dated in the high school. No, no, no... I was wrong big time. Constantly finding excuses as to why he did this or that.

I just had high hopes that his ignorance as to what it means to be a man or better yet a husband would one day change. However, it never did and I was strong enough to do what so many other women are afraid of and that is leave. Yes, I left empty handed; with only $0.47 in my checking account, one small suitcase, and three large duffel bags filled with clothes, shoes and purses. I walked away from all of the material possessions I owned (furniture, jewelry, electronics, etc).

And I haven't looked back neither. Why? Because I walked away with my dignity and the idea that I no longer have to be an excuse maker for a guy who lacks the knowledge of what it means to be a REAL man.

SOUND OFF ... Were or are you an excuse maker for guy who isn't worth the heartache you've experienced? Did you leave or are you still sticking out hoping for a change?

CRUSH

As a little girl (and I mean toddler age), I had the biggest crush on my Auntee's high school sweetheart, Kenny R. It was not a secret and everybody including Auntee knew about it. Every time he came around I would blush and sometimes try to hide. It probably made his year to know a little girl thought he was the finest thing since slice bread.

See then it was cute because I was just a child and at the time I did not fully under the meaning of what a crush was. Now that I am a woman, I know I cannot and should not go around batting my eyes at every man I find attractive. Especially, if he's in a relationship, it's disrespectful.

Well, Mother Grenade, raised and instilled into me what it means to be respectful to myself and others. Which I take very seriously. However, I cannot say the same for others ... If I found a man attractive and later learn that he is a relationship or better yet married he's no longer eye candy to me. That's just me I guess.

I know of a young woman (whose over the age of 21) who has a crush on a now married man. She has been open about it. She has had this crush on this man since her freshman year of high school. He was two grade levels ahead of her and he was taken by his now wife. A good friend of hers has warned her numerous times about how inappropriate it is to pursue interest in him because he's taken.

The mans wife heard if it and thought it was funny and a bit cute. Well, that until she found out about this young lady has secretly messaging her husband on Facebook. The wife warned the girl that she is now grown and it's no longer cute and it's time to move on because he is married. The wife even informed her husband that it's not good to entertain the young woman. It's best for everyone if he just ignore it and take it as a compliment.

Both disregarded what the wife said and continued the private messaging. Now there is a conflict in their marriage because of a crush turned secret Facebook messages. I personally do not know the details of the messages, but I do know that this is undeniably wrong.

What I'm getting to here is to show the difference between myself and that young woman. See I was a child and she is legally grown. Do you see the point that I', trying to make here? Apparently her mother did not teach her about respecting a couples relationships or better yet  marriages. But we cannot place the blame totally on her because the husband is disrespecting his wife by getting his ego stroked by another woman.

Sound Off... What are your thoughts on little girls vs. grown women having on a crush on a man in a "committed" relationship or married?

Silly

Have you ever been so deep in love with a person you know/knew was NOT worth the love you were providing? You were too naive to understand that you were being made a fool of. However, deep down in your heart you knew that you should be searching for more in a mate. Someone much closer to your standards.

Many individuals fall in love for all of the wrongs reasons. Some may know off top that the relationship isn't healthy, but will settle because they are comfortable. Others are clueless to their mates wrong doings. Women want father figures for their children and men want stability in the home but fun outside. Silly situations like this lead to stress, suicide, depression, abortions, divorces and so much more.

There come a point in every persons life where they will be a fool in love. Some will realize this more quickly than others. It can take 25 years of marriage to figure this out. Or 7 years and three children for others. But when you finally notice and understand how silly you are only then you can reflect and make the decision on moving forward or not.

Love will cause even the smartest person to become a silly fool in love.

Sound Off... Are you being silly or is he really your everything? Have you ever been in a silly situation/ relationship? If so, when did you learn that it was time to move on? Or (For others) why did you decide to stay?

Another Woman's Child

I have had this child since he was 2 months old and he is soon to turn two years old. He lights up my day and he is one of the loves of my life. But he is NOT mine and I HATE IT!

My intentions when he was still in his mothers womb was to take care of my own child on the way and someone else would have to care for him. Then I lost my child and I didn't think I was capable of caring for someone else child so I still did not want to care for him. Then I received a call from a case worker asking if I wanted to take care of him. I spoke with my husband and after a long time thinking ... we decided to get him and raise him until his mother handled her business to get him back. She never did.

Yes that is my nephew not my son. And yes, I know many reading are saying "No, Bianca. That's your son" ... but in all actuality it is not and up until a month ago I was living in fear that he would eventually be taken from me and given back to the woman who gave birth to him. Every time his case worker called my heart would get heavy thinking she was telling me that it was time to give him back.

Although I never got that call ... only someone who cared for him the way I have can be as scared as I was. That little boy filled a hole in me that I thought would never be filled and I have done everything I could to make sure that he was in a safe environment and well taken care of.

Getting up in the middle of the night to make his bottles, teaching him to hold them, holding him when he cries and when he's going through withdrawals, kissing his toe when he stubs it and his head when he bumps it, teaching him to crawl, hearing his first words, crying with him after his shots, falling to sleep cuddled up together, teaching him to crawl then walk, showing him that touching the sockets are not good, watching him all night his first night sleeping in his "big boy" bed, getting his kisses everyday and his  hugs every night, taking up for him when I know he did something wrong, nearly crying at him saying his colors ... and having a tad bit of heart break when I'm brought back to reality his first time calling me "TT".

The name "TT" depicts the person I am SUPPOSED to be in his life ... the one who gets him on weekends and send him back home. Buys him something for his birthday and Christmas. Instead I am his only Mother FIGURE and I recognize that later in life ... I will be proud of raising another woman's child because EMOTIONALLY ... he is MINE.

NEVER LETTING GO

I was listening to Pandora radio a few minutes ago and Faith Evans song Never Let You Go came on. Whew!

I would like to say that it's a true definition of the feelings you have when you know you have met the person you can't live without. Through the dirty socks, crumbs in the bed, not sweeping the trash into the dustpan, never refilling the ice tray, drinking the last drop of kool-aid, taking the last piece of chicken, losing the remote control, leaving their shoes in the hallway for anyone to trip, washing the dishes and leaving the dirty pots and pans, not spraying the Shout on their dirty shirts, losing the debit card when rent is due, doing so much over time you never see them, never wanted to fix their side of the bed, cleaning only their side of the room YOU STILL LOVE THEM.

Check out the video!

The Big Debate

There is excitement when it comes to getting engaged, setting a date, wedding planning, and becoming one with your significant other. Every exciting thought come to your mind when thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone you love. Then you are slapped in the face with whether or not you will change your last name. One part of you feel its best to keep your maiden name. It is a name you love already, it plays a big part in your career and all of your college degrees have your maiden name printed on them. On the other hand, your fiance is pressuring you to change your name. He would like for his entire family to carry the same name, which is his name.

Although, there is still time to think about changing your last name or not you find yourself debating amongst yourself. Going the traditional route is common, however, its a new day in age. Newly married women are keeping their maiden names these days. Men are accepting the idea and compromising when its comes to the idea of hyphening.



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Before I was even engaged me and my husband talked about if I would change my name. I had this big thing about how I do not want to change my name because I have accomplished so much and it all has my maiden name on it. I mean you can even Google me! He threw a fit about how he want me to take on his last name because that's what a wife is supposed to do. I was of course taking aback by the "wife supposed to do" comment and was happy I hadn't gotten engaged because the situation would have been even bigger. After getting engaged I started to really think about changing my name. I was pregnant with my daughter and had custody of my nephew and there was no doubt that her name would be like her fathers. I even went through the fact that his last name wasn't unique. I mean it's rate #4 on the Most Common Last Names in America. My maiden name wasn't even listed! I used that and it failed. Now I'm married and I have yet to change my last name legally and it's not because I don't want his last name but I want it hyphenated ... and this time I have a real reason.

I can admit ... initially I did not want to take his last name because I was known by my own and I was being selfish until I received a definite answer that my nephew would soon become my own and instantly I thought about how I grew up and we had shirts and hats with our last names on them and Big Sister Grenade last name was different but she still wore the shirts. She never seemed to mind but I always thought about if I was in her shoes that I would be a bit frustrated. I never want my nephew to have to even think about it and it become an issue. I want him to know that he is not the only one with the last name he has ... his aunt is still wearing it as well.

Changing my last name is huge for me and my family and I don't want to make the wrong decision and never would I want my nephew to feel out of place. Hyphenating my last name seems like the option since I think on both sides of the fence. It should satisfy my Husband and cause less confusion for my nephew whom I am raising as a son. I have yet to go over this with my husband ... so you all ... PRAY FOR ME. lol

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In the beginning I too did not want to change my last name. I am honestly comfortable with my maiden name. It is a part of who I am. Then, I, myself, decided to go the traditional route and just change my last name. BUT ... things did not go as planned. Traveling, successful accomplishments, etc. has cause me to keep my maiden name. In the near future I will be changing my last name. I am now completely comfortable with doing so.

SOUND OFF ... Tell us how do you feel about changing you identify (last name)? Is/ was it a topic for discussion between you and your mate? What was the final outcome? 

Married, but I'm Still Alone

Happy Memorials Day All! The other day I participated in a four hour phone conversation with a good friend of mine from college. We reflected, as usual, on the great times we had during our undergraduate years. Realizing how much fun we had prior to settling down and moving forward with our lives. She explained to me how she thought marriage was going to be much more than what she is experiencing now. I agreed with her and we continued to encourage one another because we are both learning that marriage is not easy at all. One thing that we both have in common is that our mates lack spending quality time with us.

Prior to the newly found married life everything seemed to be going great. We did a lot outside of the home. Always on the go enjoying yourselves every chance we got. Well all of that ended once we said 'I do'. It seems like I had to pencil in a request just for a hour of his time. I did this for months and even found myself complaining and later nagging about it. The PS3 is first in life, spending hours in the studio is second and me, I'm third on the list. (If we were in Chicago I will probably be fourth. However, I will never allow myself to be in that predicament.)


While everything else was taking up his time, I had to learn how to enjoy being by myself. Which was pretty tough. Unlike him I grew up with siblings and always had extended family and friends to occupy my time with. I have never felt as lonely as I have being married compared to when I was single. The most enjoyment I get out of life is watching lifetime and spending hours on the phone chatting with my family.

For a while I thought maybe, just maybe, its me over reacting or expecting too much. Silly me to have second guess my worth. I prayed and promised myself to continue to always and forever put myself first no matter what (or who). That is what I am currently doing. I have found employment and applying for graduate school. No need for me to be sitting around feeling lonely. Its his lost, not mine.

SOUND OFF ... Have any of you experience this in your marriage? If so, how did you handle it?